Donk's play poker... hilarity ensues

2+2 forums has a section called “brags, beats and variance” where you can just post random stories about bad beats, bad players, brag posts or anything really. It’s a pretty funny section that can take up hours of your time reading – trust me.

Recently there was a post entitled – “Things said in chat that blow your mind and leave you speechless”. Since I love chatting to donkeys when I play I knew I would love this thread before I even read it. I’ll post some of the more hilarious ones here for your enjoyment. Some people aren’t even just bad, they are so clueless they blow the lid off the unintentional comedy scale.

“I was crippled in a MTT once in the money but before I got to the good payouts when I had Aces in the Small Blind and BB called my raise. The flop came something like 44K. I led, he raised, I raised again, he raised again and I pushed. He turned over 99. Of course a 9 hit on the river.

I asked him - not in an antagonistic way (although I was bummed), but because I was genuinely curious - what he thought he was beating there. I said even if I had K2 on a blinds steal that I was far ahead of his nines, that I would have understood him going broke if the flop came 7-high but the King should have saved him when my action screamed he was beat.

"I was gambling," was his reply.”

“Playing an MTT and raise on the button with A6s, shorty pushes from the SB and I call getting 2.5:1. He's got AJo and his hand holds up. He says "You've got no respect for the game."”

“Live NL game. Donk A raises, donk B calls. Flop comes Q72r, donk A bets, donk B goes all-in, donk A thinks a little bit and then calls. TV-style, they both turn their cards over before the turn and river are dealt. Donk A has 99, donk B has AQo. Donk A says "That's exactly what I put you on!" I, sitting next to donk A, am confused and say "well, then why did you call?". His reply?

"Sometimes, you gotta mix it up"”

“Live limit game (2/4, IIRC). Flop is A J T , two of us keep going, other guy's got position on me. Turn is Q . River is K . I laugh, and check. The other guy stares at the board for a few seconds, then bets. I call, and of course we chop. I ask him "why did you bet with that board? All you did was give the house another buck in rake."

His reply: "Ever hear of bluffing?" I wasn't the only person at the table who was speechless.”

“I had AQ, flop comes QJ3, one guy and we get all our chips in, he shows K6, no draw at all. He caught the King on the turn..chatbox:

Me: ??
Fish: Lucky call, I was hoping to catch the king,You can't win if you don't gamble!!”"

“Heh. 1/2$ NL post tournament cash game out in hickville a couple years back.....

I hold the button with QcJc after the loosest hillbilly on earth and his best friend both limp to my immediate right.

Flop is 9cTc2h. I bet the size of the pot, both call, turn is 4d, I bet again, of course realizing that neither of them would fold any pair/draw if the roof fell in on them, and they both called. River is nothing, and checks around. I show my Q high, hoping it's good, and they each turn over AK and laugh at the once in a lifetime rarity that they each held the same 2 cards.

Then Donkey B turns to Donkey A and quips "good hand, I knew you wasn't bluffin". Donkey A then replies "Naw man, I wouldn't bluff you".

Wow.”"

“MTT and we are getting close to the money. I'm getting short stacked and get AJo on the button. Everyone had folded around to me except UTG who had limped and had about the same stack size as me. I pushed (I had about 5000 left and blinds were around 200/400). He called with some crazy [censored] like 84 of diamonds. Of course he spiked a pair and took me out. I asked him what he was thinking and he said "I put you on stealing".”"

This one is my favorite

“Had ATs on the button and raise. SB reraise and i cap. Flop comes QJ9. SB checks, I bet, SB calls.
Turn gives the K and my straight. Bet and SB calls. River is 2 and I bet and he calls with 88.
"Why call?" Notice the board is KQJ92...
"Thought you had overcards"
Halleluja - SB is the result of 5 billion years of evolution..”

"Middle of a STT and I'm stealing this guy's blind repeatedly and eventually he speaks up, calling me out again and again, "You're raising my big blind every single time," stuff like that, but still folding. I keep doing it of course. Eventually I push Ax, he calls with 32s and wins. I berate him, he says, "I had to do something you were stealing like crazy."

“Donk raises preflop with KK, a guy calls from middle position, another guy calls from the button. Flop comes AQ9 the two callers of the preflop raise go to war and cap the flop. He calls all the bets with KK, turn is a 2. Once again they go to war and cap. River is a 7. Once again they cap.

One shows A9 the other shows QQ.

The guy with KK says, "The best hand just couldnt holdup."”

“I'm in a live 2/4 game in MP and hit TP. There's two clubs showing so when EP bets I raise. The guy next to me thinks for awhile then folds his hand. Action continues to the river where the 3rd club falls and I take the pot with top pair.

The guy next to me says "lucky bet"
I say "excuse me?"
He replies "If you hadn't raised I'd have made my flush"”

“Live 2/4 game (MGM from my trip to Vegas a few weeks ago), table is insanely loose. Everyone 8+ people seeing the flop, people calling down with any pair of any kind, ace high, overcards, etc. Most pots are easily 15 BB+

8 or so people limp and there are like 9 going to the flop

flop is 6Q6, checks completely around (9 players mind you)

turn is some brick, checks around

river is another dud, checks around

UTG turns his QQ over very proudly with a big smile on his face, as he rakes in his baby pot his friend asks him "Why didn't you bet?"

His response

"You have to slowplay hands that good man"

“In a tourny I'm playing, someone just said "anyone have pics of underage girls?"”

“Sit n Go online, just underway.

One guy writes "Ok, let's not have any nigga poker."”

“The most priceless thing i've heard is. I'm at this table for a little while, theres this guy with 5 buyins there. I get involved in a hand with him, i forget what i have, but we get to the river and the board 4 flushes. So i bluff it, and he calls with top pair on the 4 flush board, fine i don't really care. Then some guy goes "WOW what a call". Donk replies "its easy to call when i have so many chips". This is a cash game, and the terrible logic of it still has me laughing at it once in a while and was almost worth the $150 i lost on that river.”

I wish I could think of one of my hilarious chat session's with random_donk_01 at the tables but I honestly can't remember one that sticks out on this level. But I'm constantly berating the fish and tapping the glass when I play so I'm sure something will come up that I can add to this someday.