Kill me

That pretty much sums up my progress this month.

I don't take losses well. And since I ran so good early in the month, the losses were inevitable. I hate poker for that. I wish I was still naive about variance. I remember 2 years ago thinking that if I played good, I couldn't lose. Like, yea maybe a suckout here and there, but I couldn't fathom losing 10 days in a row. But now I understand that you can't do shit to avoid it. If you run good, YOU WILL RUN BAD.

So yea, I started running bad last week, and I wanted to shit my pants - actually I did, fuck. I stopped playing, dug a hole and crawled into it - hence the lack of updates for those who were actually cheering for me.

I'll post my stats eventually - when I actually look at them. It got real ugly at the end. Of course, I'm exaggerating, and I still made some money, but nothing close to 10k. I failed.

So I got to thinking, once again, about my life and different shit I should be doing with it. The last 3 weeks may be the least productive 3 weeks of any human of all time. I'm talking less productive than a fucking newborn baby. Even I was embarrassed for myself, and I was the only person who knew what the fuck I was even doing.

It's all good though since I'm moving to my new house in like a week, as well as going to New York City for the first time to see Rage Against the mother fucking Machine in concert. Once I get settled in my new house, I hope that I summon some motivation to start living a productive life.

Not that I feel any outside pressure to do so. I'm just really fucking bored.

And while playing the 14th straight hour of Everquest, I started to think of different things I could do. And I really don't care about money. As long as my bills are paid, and I'm not struggling to pay them, its all good. I don't save money and I don't invest. I like to spend and I like to live my life now. I mentioned previously that I wanted to get into radio broadcasting as its something I've always been intrigued by and I figure I could do it and not be on the 24 hour suicide watch.

Tonight I started to formulate a life plan that I could see myself living with some degree of satisfaction. I mean, I've always considered myself to be "smart". Not genius, just fairly smart. It doesn't always translate into my real life though, but generally I make fairly decent decisions. So in the back of my mind, when considering "career" paths, I always consider the fact that I could be doing "so much more" if I wanted to. But I've been saying this to myself since high school and yet I've never been running at full potential. So while in theory I probably could do something fairly meaningful or important in life, I know its not a realistic thought due to the motivation factor. Thus the radio gig. Something fun to do while getting paid peanuts doing a job that doesn't require a great deal of intelligence. Be like me kids.

So I need experience. My plan is to volunteer with a friend at the university radio station for a while then apply at some local stations. The university station is great as they give you an hour of free time to do your own show with very little restrictions (mostly just music based). I think it will be a lot of fun and have a lot of ideas for possible shows. I also want to take this time to develop my other secret life goal - to become a stand up comedian.

I know that sounds ridiculous. I'm not even that funny, I know. And its probably something that will never happen but for some reason, every time I listen to a stand up comic who I enjoy, I always sit there thinking that I should do what he's doing.

I think even saying that you want to be a stand up comic is absurd and probably a little arrogant, but hey, its a dream of mine. I mean, who am I to think I'm funny? Fuck you RikkiDee. But I know I've had my moments of hilarity. If you take all the funny shit I've said throughout my life, and put it back to back, I think thats at least a 5 minute bit.

And if you are sitting here reading this thinking, this guy is on crack, I've read everything he has written and I've never laughed once - I have to agree with you. I mean, I'm not exactly bringing down the house with this blog. Although most of my posts are pure spontaneous drivel that aren't really designed to be funny. I mean after all this is a poker blog. But I think with some time, and practice, I could put together a bit that would have you on your ass. Plus I think that any true comic that I've ever respected is only funny when they are performing. In their regular life they aren't going to be reaching for ridiculous references and jokes just to get through a daily conversation. I mean, retards like Dane Cook would, but who respects him anyways?

So there it is, a sort of 5 year plan. Volunteer at university radio station for a while, then apply at local station - all the while playing poker while working on a stand up comedy routine to show drunkenly at an amateur night.

I can see the millions now.

Oh and fuck poker.