My life in a blogshell

I really have been slacking lately. Have you noticed?

I took like 3 weeks off in March for no real reason other than I was just bored of poker. However I still need to pay d bills and luckily since I've moved up I can work even less for the same amount of money I am used to making. Someday I know I will be motivated to get money get money but today is not that day.

Its weird to think about my income potential. If I was working as much in poker as I would in a standard 9-5 job (which I would undoubtedly be in without poker) I would be balling so horribly out of control that Robin Leach would get jealous. I sometimes sit back and reflect on how many people would absolutely kill for the opportunity to be able to make a few hundred here and there whenever they wanted to. I think about how angry people would be if they only knew how effortless it is to me to make a living. And not only that, how angry they would be when they realize how much I've wasted my potential due to laziness.

Its hard for me to really grasp how lucky I've really been sometimes since I've been removed from the real world for about 3 years now. And I say lucky in the grandiose sense that I'm lucky to have my brain and lucky to have discovered poker - not lucky in poker. I know without poker I'd be very depressed, but on the other hand I would be working a lot harder in life, and would probably be an overall "better" person because of it. Without poker I would definitely be poorer and have less time for video games, but I'm sure I'd be in better shape, have stronger relationships with people I like, and would probably be working towards some life goals - at least a lot more than I am now.

But this is not to say that I don't prefer my life now - I do. But I still do see some greener grasses on my neighbors lawns occasionally. Such is what being a human is all about - always wanting more. Its what has got us to the top of the food chain and conversely is our biggest restraint when it comes to true happiness. No one with a capitalist mind will ever be happy. Ever. Seriously never. I'm probably the least ruthless and aggressive "capitalist" that I know and yet I still strive for improvement in all my life pursuits.

I had a conversation with a close friend over the weekend about this. He asked me how I could ever be lacking confidence or unsure of myself in life when I have so much going for me. I didn't really have much of an answer for him. I then quickly thought back to high school (when I got good grades) and would routinely get angry when I got less than 100% on tests. Some people would scoff at me wondering why I would ever care. Its just human nature to be disappointed when you know you are capable of better. Combine this with a negative and pessimistic attitude (I call it realist, but whatever) and you have a recipe for not only someone who is never satisfied with what they do, but also someone who lacks the confidence to ever attempt anything that they are truly capable of.

Trust me, I want to be happy with myself. But most of the time I only see any attempts I make at anything as failures, which leads to me not trying in the first place (the root of all laziness). Sure in theory I am capable of a lot, and should be the most confident, arrogant piece of shit on the block, but the reality of the situation is that I just don't have the makeup to be that person. I only have one half of the equation.

But I'm working on it. I rarely compare myself to others in life, but I do think I need to realize how fortunate I am to be living my life. I need to take advantage of it and be happy that I'm alive.

Sorry for the emo post, hope that wasn't too dry a read. I'll be back to playing and posting about the pokers this week for sure as I plan on (lol) putting in a huge april month.